Why "Fat Girl Forever"? It's simple. A fat girl who loses all the weight she can, whittles herself down to Kate Moss proportions, will always know the feelings of being the fat girl. Walking into a party, the fat girl has already accepted that she won't be the skinniest girl there, she's just praying she won't be the heaviest girl there. The fat girl knows the feeling of sitting in the restaurant, examining the menu as no one else will. Weighing factors like calories and fat against taste and enjoyment, but also factors like shame. "How will the other restaurant patrons look at me if the waiter brings me the Fettuccine Alfredo vs. the Cobb Salad?" A fat girl will always bear the scars associated with her cultural status. She may hide those scars now, under skinnier clothes, but rest assured, they're there. She will be the fat girl forever.
I will be the fat girl. Forever.
I'll always be a part of that sisterhood. Oddly, there's a part of me that dreads an aspect of the skinny days in my future. I don't want to be that thin girl the fat girls stare at with jealousy and loathing, wanting to slap her when she orders her non-fat latte, no whip. I can see myself dressing in a t-shirt displaying an image of me at my heaviest or declaring "I Was Fat Too!", anything to let others know, I went through that particular circle of hell. I know how those stares feel. I know the self loathing that hangs on for weeks after shopping for clothes.
I'm keeping this blog for posterity. A reminder of my journey to finding a thin exterior to live in.
